THE TRUTH ABOUT THE LORD OF THE RINGS
by Kelrod
Summary: You have been lied to! You've been decieved! No, I'm not talking about mother's underwear...I'm talking about the truth about the whole story of "The Lord of the Rings"!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE TRUTH... DON'T REVIEW AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. THE TRUTH ABOUT THE LORD OF THE RINGS

THE TRUE STORY OF THE RING AND THE FELLOWSHIP AND ALL  
  
::it all started with Eru::  
  
:: He created a few Elves, a few Dwarves and some kind of race with no pointy ears or FORM OF NICENESS WHATSOEVER ::cough cough:: I mean....a few men  
  
The Eru dude also created these wizard people who had magical powers.. It WAS REALLY NEAT! I mean, er.....he created the Istari, who were wizard people and gave them that funky name::  
  
And one day, he decided that these 'beings' didn't wanna just float around in space, so he created this planet, and on this planet he made two neat neato continents; Middle earth, and the Undying Lands (I WANNA GO THERE) I mean........okay. Getting back to the story. Well, zipping through time a BIT, this dude Sauron made some Rings.....  
  
Then he gave a portion to each race. The Elves of course complained a little about getting fewer Rings than anyone else, but Sauron took out his sword and they all shut up  
  
Then, zipping ahead A BIT, Isuldur cut off Sauron's finger and got the Ring. ::  
  
Everyone: "WHAT RING???"  
  
::Oh, yeah he made another Ring, Forgot that! Sorry!::  
  
::Then, zipping through a bit of time, some 2500 years or so, Gollum **GOSH HE SO DAMNED HOT** I mean, er.This Gollum person killed somebody for the Ring. It stayed with that hottie-- I MEAN SCREWED UP LIFE FORM ::looks around innocently::  
  
for about oh..say...500 years I think::. Gollum: "My preciousssssss"  
  
::Then Bilbo Baghead..I MEAN BAGGINS! Found the Ring and took it home for 60 years.::  
  
::Then his heir dude, Frodo, got it and made his journey to Rivendell where along the way he got stabbed and got to 'ride' with a babe named Arwen::. Arwen (facing Ringwraiths): If you want me, COME AND CLAIM ME! (Ringwraiths all turn around and run after she opens her shirt..all except one.) Ringwraith: Can I claim you? (Quickly realizing his error for mistaking Arwen for Sauron, he turns around and follows the rest of his kind)  
  
::They get to Rivendell and hold this council thing. They chose the Fellowship, which consisted of Frodo the Ring-bearer, Legolas and Figwit the Elves, Pippin and Merry too, Renee the Not-so-fair-to-look-upon, Kelrod the centaur THAT'S ME! I mean..Kelrod the centaur lady, Aragorn the Ranger, Gandalf the Wizard HE'S HITTING ON FRODO! Uh...I mean.. and Bill the pony. GO BILL!!!:: So anyways, they set out from Rivendell and all and they're walking and stuff. Then they get to get spotted by a bunch of flying deformed crows I MEAN CREABAIN from this neato place called Dunland.  
  
Gandalf: Uh...I guess ::cough cough:: that'll we'll..uh..have to uh...climb over that mountain because uh..I'm the wizard dude who is old and stuff.  
  
::So, the Fellowship starts to climb the mountain Gandalf named "The Thingy With Snow On It." Then it gets too cold. Legolas, Figwit, Bill and Kelrod has no complaints though. THEY'RE SO PERFECT!!! I mean...Renee the not-so- fair-to-look-upon had this idea that they should go underneath the mountain and told the rest of the Fellowship that they should. Then Gimli started to get jealous that Renee actually knew something and started to talk about how he knew his cousin Balin and how he was the King of Moria and all, when in reality he had just read it all in this book called "Lord of the Rings for Dummies"  
  
Frodo ::Stands there shivering and nods::  
  
So, then they go to Moria and Kelrod THAT'S ME!!!! Finds a way in and lets the thingy in the water eat Figwit. She wasn't really paying attention to him. So anyways, they get into Moria and they then get to some tomb place, battle a cave troll and all that worthless info. Then Gandalf slipped off the edge of this bridge thing, being the crazy old coot he was.  
  
Gandalf's last words: I've been waiting my whole miserable life for this day! I mean.er...I'm going to die now. The audience can cry and..WHAT THE HELL I'll let go now!  
  
And so Gandalf "died" and then they all get to this place called Lothlorien and the Elves there almost shot the whole Fellowship BASTARDS! I mean..what mistaken Elves. SO they all get to go see this person called Galadriel and Gimli even got to get a few souvenirs.such as three pieces of Galadriel's hair and Galadriel lost something too..(hint hint). So, anyway. The Fellowship continues on, but before leaving Lothlorien, each of the people of the Fellowship got a gift. Yes, that's right they got presents. And they got to be "redressed" in Elvish clothing. Legolas and Figwit got these really great bows and some neato new arrow sets that were so neat! They gave Frodo some screwy light up thing that was probably a night-light. Kelrod gots this neato Spear thing that was magical and all. Renee got absolutely nothing, so she took a rock. (those are all the characters I remember)  
  
THE END OF CHAPTER ONE  
  
Will the Fellowship survive their next journey?  
  
Will their boats be tipped over by the hottie named Gollum?  
  
And will I remember the rest of the characters?  
  
FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER. Aren't you excited? 


	2. THE TRUTH CONTUNED

CHAPTER 2. That's right. You CAN read! Isn't anyone excited? No? Me neither. Even I don't have any idea what I'm talking about. Well, then moving on........  
So, the Fellowship (or what I remember of it) left the place with lots of trees where the homosexual Elves... I MEAN lovely race liveded ....Er.......lived.  
  
Don't ask me exactly HOW Gollum got into the river and what he exactly was doing down there. He was probably trying to get a "hold" (Hehehe) on Pippin, being the sexiest Hobbit alive....I MEAN he was following the Fellowship for the Ring!! ::looks around innocently::.  
  
Ok. So, Gollum managed to get aboard Boromir's boat, which had Pippin and Merry on it, while everyone was looking up at the Argonath. And that little whore started making out with Pippin.  
  
Then Alyssa magically appeared in that boat. That's right, folks. The human form of ME teleported into that boat.  
  
I grabbed...I MEAN Alyssa grabbed them both and tossed them off while Merry was just staring. Boromir, however, was staring straight ahead thinking about the best way to kill Frodo and take the Ring from him.  
  
Then Alyssa teleported back to her house, never to be seen in Middle-earth again. Aragorn witnessed this. Yep, the guy who shaves his head on a rock actually was paying attention.  
  
Aragorn: "Holy SHIT! (that's Mr. Hankey!!) That shitty looking piece of shitty shit shittedly looked exactly like you!" (he said that to Kelrod)  
  
Kelrod: "Shut up, pimp." Kelrod took out her sword and Aragorn shut up. Then the sword disappeared because she really didn't have one.  
  
Then they all get out of the boats. (with the exception of Pippin and Gollum, of course). THEN THE SQUIRRELS RAINED DOWN UPON THEM!!! I MEAN...nothing happened. ::slinks down in chair trying not to be noticed::  
  
Then Gimli died. He died because I wanted him to die. Was he even in the Fellowship to begin with in this story? Oh well. The imaginary Gimli got annoying.  
  
Let's see.........the dead ones are Gimli, Pippin, Gollum ::sniff::, Gandalf, and Figwit.  
  
Just then, a squirrel jumps out from nowhere as the Fellow-shit I MEAN Fellowship! Started to step off the boats. It landed on Aragorn's head. He tried to shake it off, then threatened to shave on it, and then the squirrel died.  
  
Renee the-not-so-fair-to-look-upon: "Pooor Squirrel. Poor Master."  
  
Kelrod: "I'M NOT MASTER IN THIS STORY!"  
  
Renee-the-not-so-fair-to-look-upon: "Shit."  
  
Then Boromir tried to kill Frodo yada yada yada. Skip that unimportant crap.  
  
Then Frodo got away! Was Boromir in the Fellowship in the beginning? Aw, fuck it. I MEAN let's forget about him.  
  
Quoteed Santa Clause: "I just couldn't let him live! He shocked Santa's balls!"  
  
Sorry, random thought. So then Merry tries to follow Frodo, but he ends up drowning. Also, Legolas gets picked up by the Uruk-hai being mistaken for a Halfling (the pointy ears, get it?).   
  
Then since people actually CARED about Leggie, Aragorn, Kelrod, and Renee- the-not-so-fair-to-look-upon decided to rescue him. You could tell it was all Renee's idea. Or was it?  
  
Then, Jaime the Gwalieth (don't ask what a gwalieth is), suddenly appeared (she was the leader of the monkeys, just to let you know).  
  
Kelrod: "THE MONKEYS AND FERCERNS HAVE UNITED!"  
  
Aragorn: "What the hell in the name of Mr. Hankey, the one and only holy shit, is a Fercern?"  
  
Kelrod: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................ don't ask.  
  
Renee the-not-so-fair-to-look-upon: "The pooooor squirrel. I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS ARAGORN!"  
  
::Aragorn kills Renee with sword::  
  
::Kelrod secretly celebrates::  
  
So, Jaime replaces Renee, the now Renee-the VERY-not so fair to look upon, and what is left of my version of the Fellowship follows Leggie, completely forgetting about that SON OF A BASTARD......I MEAN adorable little fucking Hobbit, Frodo.  
  
Will Renee-the-now-VERY-not-so-fair-to-look-upon become Renee the Red?  
  
Will what is left of the Fellowship remember anything about Frodo and destroying THAT FUCKING ERU DAMNED.....I MEAN evil Ring?  
  
And what in the name of hell is Jaime doing in my story????  
  
FIND OUT NEVER, because I'm going straight to my version of The Two Towers. 


End file.
